I am working from home today and thus am Queen of All the Jam. Particularly because said work consists of tinkering with a pleasantly mindless spreadsheet which is occupying me without in the least troubling my higher faculties. These, I have been using to listen to Darling, darling!‘s statement to the House about the temporary nationalisation of Northern Rock this afternoon. This morning, Mr Macaroon predictably came out with the demand that the chancellor should resign – the Tory strategy is obviously to get into government by means of a lengthy game of parliamentary wink murder.

Predictably, there was much heckling, and Darling, darling! was wearing such a sitting duck expression by the time he sat down that I cringed in anticipation of the opposition’s retort. Fortunately for my nerves, watching Gorgeous Georgina take Darling, darling! to task was like watching a sheep being worried by another slightly shriller and more aggressive sheep. Do bear in mind while reading the following reportage that I am an amateur alongside the worthy scribes of Hansard and so my version may require correction when the official report is published.

“This is the first time in the history of blah that a bank has blah and a chancellor has blah froth froth, oops one of my eyeball has popped out!” shrieked Gorgeous Georgina, “Nationalisation is a policy that was farted out by the devil at the beginning of all things! Down with this Trotskyite conspiracy! I call for the resignation of the froth froth Chancellor, and shall be opposing the government’s policy strenuously as soon as someone with A-level Economics has explained it to me.”

Darling, darling! looked a little seasick, but rallied to accuse the Tories of opportunism and catalogue their lengthy inventory of positions on Northern Rock since last autumn. Gorgeous Georgina didn’t have an answer to that, nor indeed another contribution of any sort for the whole of the fifteen minutes more that I watched. Naturally, it was left to Our Vince to show everyone how it should be done.

“I am tempted to say I told you so,” he began to universal laughter, before going on to broadly support the government’s statement and point out that the last time a bank was nationalised was in 1994 by the Tories. Darling, darling! looked as if he wanted to kiss Our Vince fully on his bald pate, and re-used that snippet in his answer. It was also left to our Shadow Chancellor – because their shadow chancellor is such a pointless spoon – to ask when the Bank of England would be carrying out a full public audit of the bank’s position. Finally, with a kindly pat on the shoulder and profferment of a clean handkerchief to Darling, darling!, Our Vince recommend a strategy for wriggling out of Goldman Sachs’ gargantuan consultancy bill: point out that the Liberal Democrats provided the same advice free of charge.